Well, well, well, I kind of hoped we would never have to get to this point, but since you are here let’s get onto it, shall we?
I am not one to get sentimental about things but that doesn’t mean I don’t get emotional. I am the girl that is scared of horror movies but somehow I will still switch off the lights, put on the latest scary movie and watch it. When things get creepy and I find myself shivering and holding so tightly onto a pillow, I still push myself forward and finish the movie. I don’t do this because I want to have a nightmare or because everyone else is watching it, I do it because deep down I want to believe I am strong enough to face my fears. Maybe am not.
I probably don’t have the same stories as the girls you have met before. I am probably not little miss perfect, I’d like to be but am not there yet and somehow am proud of my imperfections, they remind me that I am human and that its okay to not be okay.
I have walked roads I never thought I would step foot on let alone even imagine it in my wildest of dream. I have probably filled the pages of my life with more tears and stories of disappointments than I would like for a girl my age. I have been pushed to dreadful dark corners a couple of times. I have crumbled and broken down more times than a couple. I have faced the desire to do better, to be better and somehow I have managed to pick up the pieces, wipe the tears and keep soaring with hopes that the sun will rise accompanied by better days. Deep down I hoped that the heart will grow stronger, my eyes won’t be watery anymore and maybe, just maybe I will have someone to run to for a hug on difficult days and a place to call home.
I didn’t come from the big mansion across the street, I just came from within its walls and am no longer sure it’s a place worth calling home.
It’s funny how at such a time that the building is nothing but a shadow of what it used to be, the pain isn’t any less. Don’t get me wrong, I have had beautiful memories from within its walls, but sometimes pain tends to overpower whatever little happiness I may have felt at some point. Some people claimed its because i was a troubled child but deep down i knew my demons were birthed by something else.
I have had pressure, lots of pressure from both myself and my loved ones. I found it hard to make a decision that was for only me or be selfish enough to choose me and me alone but instead I have heard voices in my head reminding me of the expectations of the people around me. Day and night I have struggled to know who I am.
My best friend once said am a people pleaser, maybe I am.
I have struggled to differentiate between the things I want for myself and those that people want for me. I have had a hard time learning to put down the pressure of always wanting to be everybody’s little miss perfect be it the perfect daughter, perfect student or perfect friend. Somehow i knew i had to let go and make a choice but i couldn’t.
Remember what we said every single time we made a mistake? Very well, the past is best left in the past. Should you choose to pack that little pink bag and walk through those gates, I hope you remember to never look back. These walls have borne more pain and suffering than you would wish, more deaths and losses, and perhaps even more room for regret.
And you deserve better.
You deserve to live out your life and be the best version of yourself that you could ever be. You deserve to finally try an expensive dress with some red bottom heels and sip champagne like you were royalty. Maybe it’s time you got yourself some designer bag and be every five-year-old girl’s fashion idol. Maybe the magazines will make you their cover page girl, who knows?
We have dreams, visions, ambitions and desires. There places we have wanted to visit, like the rift valley, mama always said it’s a sight to behold.
There things we have wanted to be and adventures we have wanted be a part of, perhaps it’s time.
Maybe it was all worth it in the end. After all, this walls turned to nothing but ashes and remnants of what they used to be remind you of nothing but pain so how about we cash that compensation cheque and never look back.
You know the journey we have walked, the paths we have stumbled across and the beasts we have had to face and fought until we finally discovered who we are. You know that deep down, we only have one desire, to be happy. Should the day come that you need a reminder of how strong, beautiful and dedicated you can be, I want you to remember the journey you have had and smile at your achievements because you are braver than you think. Deep down you know that had it been anyone else in your shoes, they would have given up a long time ago, However, you are not them, you are me and we are not quitters. As you stare into the reflection in the mirror in front of you, smile and keep smiling. There is no need to look back.
Happiness sure does look good on you.